Sh*t They Used To Tell Us

We've all heard them.
Many of us have heard the same ones.

But I bet you lot have got some crackers of your own to share!

I'll kick us off:

"Careful, if the wind changes you could stay like that"

Dual purpose.
Standard Usage: in an ACTUAL face-pulling scenario.

But also, somewhat unfairly, even for the Sulky Face.
The Sulky Face that comes when you feel you ARE the most badly-done-by kid in the world, because:

A) you can't go play at Donna's house cos it is Tuesday and it is 5:30pm.
B) you have had your quota of one bag of crisps a day and 2, well that is just madness
C) it is time for bed.

Oh, the injustice.

NOTE: 
this is the precursor for what, in Adulthood,  is possibly THE most irritating ANYONE can say to you .......
especially when uttered by a chirpy, cheeky Saaaarf London chappie, on a train platform at the end of a lonnnnnnnnnng hard day .........

"Cheer up, love, might never 'appen!"

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Don't swallow the pips or you'll get an apple tree growing out of your tummy button

Ditto having a dirty tummy button.

Although, in this situation, I seem to recall it was potatoes?  OR was that growing behind your ears?

Even now I look at those Devil May Care Adrenalin Freaks who  ................ *gasp* ..... eat the whole apple core* ........ as I do the Red Arrows and Base-Jumpers.
Dangerous thrill-seekers.

But then, (see previous) perversely, ........

Don't fiddle with your tummy button or you will get a tummy ache.

True, this.

Everytime.

Carrots will help you see in the dark.

I hate carrots.
My night vision is rubbish.

Huh.

Go figure.

Eat your crusts, they will make your hair curly.

I hate crusts.
My hair is dead-straight.

They might have been on to something, y'know.

More studies required.

Don't sit on a cold floor, you will get piles 

What ARE piles? said the 6 year old Me.

Not very nice. Was the answer.  You don't want them.

You can't go to bed with wet hair, you will catch a cold.

Never mind that, what about the mad hair you will wake up with?

Wait an hour before you get back in the pool.

Never was an hour sooooooooooo slooooooooooowwwwwww.
Or the pool more inviting.

Also, your friends who all ate lunch before you are all having the best time EVER.  In that hour.

If you sit too close to the telly, you will get square eyes

Someone tell Blanche.
She doesn't believe me.

*********************************************************

Now, these final few might be unique to those with Chinese family.
And I am willing to bet there are a whole heap more.

http://lilywong.net/archive/arc980810.htm

Clear your rice bowl; every grain of rice you leave will be a spot on your future husband.

I took the gamble.
Several times.
Turned out ok.

Not sure what I did to make him lose all his hair though.
Sorry, love.

They encourage it!!!

Don't sniff flowers, unless you want worms up your nose.

I can't, I just don't know what to say to this.

But it gave myself & my folks much amusement, to sniff flowers in front of my grandmother who would flap and shout 'Aiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaah!'. Alot.

If you pick your nose, you will get a big wide nose.

Loop hole:
Pinching your nose, post-pick, makes it all ok.

************************************

Can't wait to hear other people's contributions

"Oh. God. No...... Already?"

No one likes the Unwelcome Visitor.

You know the ones, they just turn up, they don't call ahead.  They just descend.

And, there are some visitors, even if you know they are coming, that fill you with dread.  Their imminent arrival makes you sigh. Alot.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
(and who has been 'dropping in' way too much lately?)

My old not-so-friend, Insomnia.

Nope, no one says 'oh yay, I've got Insomnia coming over tonight'

But, sometimes, I feel sorry for Insomnia.

Little bit.

Insomnia has no friends. except Bad Irrational Thoughts.
Ever notice how BITs always seem to tag along with Insomnia?
The Hanger-On.  The 'Do You Mind If My Friend Comes Too' one.

Chirpy Productive Positive Vibes & Can Do Thoughts seem to eschew the hours of darkness. They are getting their rest at night too.

It is what keeps them fresh-faced and wrinkle-free.
BITs, Insomnia, and me have panda eyes, wrinkles of weariness & grumpiness in common.

Social Media, assuming you have friends in different time-zones (let us consider it an Expat Perk), will at least can help you feel less isolated and psychotic as they will be there, on FaceBook, Twitter or Whatsapp.

It is good to know they are there, when it feels like the whole freaking world has drifted off to a restful, healing, energising world of sleep and rest.

Except you.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

HIM.
The dog(s).
Even that bloody cat.

All snoozing. Deeeeeep relaxed breathing. Resting. Re-charging. (I kinda hate them a bit, right now)

And whilst I am on the subject, what, exactly, are those bloody animals re-charging for?
More daytime snoozes?
Yeah, steady on.

Maybe that once a day*, burst of energy?
Tragic.
A walk filled with happy shouts at birds & half-hearted attempts at rabbit chasing.
70 kg lummox vs 2 kg fleet-of-foot, thing built for speed. It ain't a fair contest.
The Lummox knows it.  The Fast-Thing with Big Ears knows it.

* NOTE: 'Once a day' because neither of them can be arsed to haul themselves out of their/my bed 

Poor things. What a day.

It has been months since I have had an unbroken night's sleep.  Maybe people don't anymore.  I know I am not unique.

HE seems to, mind.
I should know.
Feel like I have carried out enough random spot checks.

ANSWER: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

If it isn't Him snoring, it is the mosquitoes.

If it isn't one dog finding the most awkward (for me) place (for him) to sleep, it is the other one snoring.

If it isn't waking from the most horrific of dreams, nerves a'jangling, it is the BITs creeping into my brain, with their strobe-lights and crack-strength caffeine to make sure I stay with them.

"Bitch, you ain't goin' nowhere."

Am I angry?
Yeah! I'm fffffffing angry!

I want to sleep.
I want to wake up feeling better than when I went to bed.
I'd like to bounce out of bed, and say "Hiya, New Day, whaddaya got me?!"

Instead of:
"Oh God.
No.
Already?"

For more angry, sleep-deprived ravings see Letter To Insomnia