Sh*t They Used To Tell Us

We've all heard them.
Many of us have heard the same ones.

But I bet you lot have got some crackers of your own to share!

I'll kick us off:

"Careful, if the wind changes you could stay like that"

Dual purpose.
Standard Usage: in an ACTUAL face-pulling scenario.

But also, somewhat unfairly, even for the Sulky Face.
The Sulky Face that comes when you feel you ARE the most badly-done-by kid in the world, because:

A) you can't go play at Donna's house cos it is Tuesday and it is 5:30pm.
B) you have had your quota of one bag of crisps a day and 2, well that is just madness
C) it is time for bed.

Oh, the injustice.

NOTE: 
this is the precursor for what, in Adulthood,  is possibly THE most irritating ANYONE can say to you .......
especially when uttered by a chirpy, cheeky Saaaarf London chappie, on a train platform at the end of a lonnnnnnnnnng hard day .........

"Cheer up, love, might never 'appen!"

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Don't swallow the pips or you'll get an apple tree growing out of your tummy button

Ditto having a dirty tummy button.

Although, in this situation, I seem to recall it was potatoes?  OR was that growing behind your ears?

Even now I look at those Devil May Care Adrenalin Freaks who  ................ *gasp* ..... eat the whole apple core* ........ as I do the Red Arrows and Base-Jumpers.
Dangerous thrill-seekers.

But then, (see previous) perversely, ........

Don't fiddle with your tummy button or you will get a tummy ache.

True, this.

Everytime.

Carrots will help you see in the dark.

I hate carrots.
My night vision is rubbish.

Huh.

Go figure.

Eat your crusts, they will make your hair curly.

I hate crusts.
My hair is dead-straight.

They might have been on to something, y'know.

More studies required.

Don't sit on a cold floor, you will get piles 

What ARE piles? said the 6 year old Me.

Not very nice. Was the answer.  You don't want them.

You can't go to bed with wet hair, you will catch a cold.

Never mind that, what about the mad hair you will wake up with?

Wait an hour before you get back in the pool.

Never was an hour sooooooooooo slooooooooooowwwwwww.
Or the pool more inviting.

Also, your friends who all ate lunch before you are all having the best time EVER.  In that hour.

If you sit too close to the telly, you will get square eyes

Someone tell Blanche.
She doesn't believe me.

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Now, these final few might be unique to those with Chinese family.
And I am willing to bet there are a whole heap more.

http://lilywong.net/archive/arc980810.htm

Clear your rice bowl; every grain of rice you leave will be a spot on your future husband.

I took the gamble.
Several times.
Turned out ok.

Not sure what I did to make him lose all his hair though.
Sorry, love.

They encourage it!!!

Don't sniff flowers, unless you want worms up your nose.

I can't, I just don't know what to say to this.

But it gave myself & my folks much amusement, to sniff flowers in front of my grandmother who would flap and shout 'Aiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaah!'. Alot.

If you pick your nose, you will get a big wide nose.

Loop hole:
Pinching your nose, post-pick, makes it all ok.

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Can't wait to hear other people's contributions

Hell Mum & Guitaring the Air

These past 7 days I have:

Stabbed myself in the eye, with a stick.  Sniffing hay.


Then,
* spent 36 hours approximately 80% blind, thanks to that super-attractive gauze eye patch (with excessive taping)

* I was up for one of those Governor eye patches. But, no.
Stupid girls who stupidly stab themselves in their stupid eye don't get cool patches.




Been the Mother from Hell - with an exceptionally fine performance, just these past 24 hours.
* Lost my shit, over yet ANOTHER un-flushed toilet full of the same (see above).

* AND, very nearly blew Tooth Fairy duties. Again.

A fortnight ago is when I DID screw up.
Gave Kid some convoluted cockamaimy story about the amount of stress & pressure in the modern TF's Life but, y'know, bear with her.
She will DEFINITELY be coming.
He just looked at me.
"Yeah, OK, Mummy." Not bothered.



Driven 79 gazillion miles - despite being grounded for 2 days, thanks to the Ugly EyePatch/Being Blind thing (school runs, after-school activities, horse stuff, errands).

6 days - no SmartPhone
Remember Phone Dramas of September?
No Whatsapp.  No email.  No readily available diary (seriously, I cannot be expected to remember all this stuff with just my aging brain, One's hard-drive is not what it used to be)

What did I have, y'say?
why, SMS. That was it. SMS

Felt I was living in a cave, without the technology of a carrier pigeon.


Air guitar'd & rocked out in bar with some of the funnest people we know.

Want to see more Air Guitaring? Click the link

Looked up, thinking to Self, "Whoooah, this place is really going off", only to see that everyone else was sitting nicely, eating supper, chatting amongst friends, playing

pool/darts etc.








Mortified.
For about 5 seconds.
Fortified. By my beverage.
Got back to having all the fun.

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It's been a funny ol' week.