House at Pooh Corner

House at Pooh Corner
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Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Murder, Mice & Mountains

 Dear New Cat, now known as Vera (not Rose. Long story)

RE: Hunting, Murder, Killing

Please be advised:
1) we do not kill stuff in this house ..... unless it has a bunch more legs than 4.

Also, 2) the means of dispatch should only be by Flip Flop.
Seek The Havaiana Ender of Scuttly Things.

And 3) it should not be for fun.

In fairness, if it has a face and whiskers and stuff I am OK with it being here, so long as it doesn't pee on my stuff.

Cat, you are receiving this Notice because, be honest with me now, you WERE having fun with that thing at 4:50am this morning, weren't you?
And it only had 4 legs.

Mousie screaming for help is not my preferred method of re-entering the World at 4:50am.  

And Vera, you took too long.  
If you are going to do this sort of stuff, please up your game and end it, quickly.
We are not down with torture.

We understand that your role, along with Other Cat of The House is as a potential WMD but, Vera love, we prefer it if you could see yourself as a deterrent.

We all know what you two are capable of but we do not ACTUALLY wish to use it to your full & terrible potential.

Have a word.

Dear Mousie

Re: Rescue Attempts

You could have helped yourself a bit more, buddy.

See when I had your Mortal Enemy thrashing and contorting, twisting and howling like the very She-Devil from the depths of Hell?

That was when YOU were supposed to skedaddle.

You didn't though, did you, numb-nuts?

How do I know?
Because, Mate, each time she got away from a Bleeding & Slashed Me, you were still there for her find again.


Also, after alllllll that, what do you go and do?
Only showcase your continuing presence to the only Rodentphobic member* of the household, by climbing up the blinds & trapping him in the bath.

Dude, what were you thinking?

Whatever happens next you have brought on yourself, my friend.
I tried.

*The Mouseiephobe might not be whom you might think it might be.
Clue: I am talking to him next.

Dear Mountain of Duvet

Re: Your Poor Response

FYI, "Mmmmmmmpffffff?"
was not the answer I was looking for when, in the darkness, I say to you (quite calmly, given I was trying to grapple with a 25-legged, howling, slashing contorting Feline of Fury in full Kill Mode:

"Errrrrrrrrrrr, little help?".


Overall Conclusion:
a) Cat, Mouse & Mountain all performed poorly.
b) Many Opportunities For Improvement.

c) Please rate Rodent Rescue as a method to wake-up in the morning.
Outstanding - Adequate - Unacceptable

Yeah, I'm going to go with Unacceptable.

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